Today is my Iboga-versary.

One year ago, I dove into the darkness of my soul.

After the loss of my father and then unexpectedly, my romantic relationship, my life was in turmoil. They say loss is the greatest motivator for change. I needed to see how I was continuing to create my own suffering, no matter the personal consequences.

With a face full of tears and raw emotion, I called out to God to please help me. I don’t know how to help myself. Very humbling as at this point, I had a lot of pride about being a ‘healer’. My trauma certification, my years of therapy, my coaching label, my spiritual study, and even previous plant medicine journeys couldn’t help me.

I surrendered it all because that’s all I had left.

The next day my soul whispered, ‘Costa Rica, Costa Rica.’

Costa Rica…I didn’t have a desire to go there, but knew I had to follow it. 

Then a good friend tagged me in a post for an Iboga retreat. Ah….

I knew of this medicine for years, having experienced other plant medicines. 

But Iboga always terrified me. It is the most powerful and known as the medicine of truth. I was never ready to see my truth, until now. I knew my time had come to face myself.

I researched a few places and found the one. It felt so strong but turns out they were fully booked for the date I wanted. I was placed second on the waitlist. And told it was rare for spots open up.

I knew I was supposed to be there, so just waited.

Two days later, they told me I’m in. Turns out the medicine tells the facilitators who to select. Iboga also told me it chose me. Statistically, a human being’s chances of taking Iboga are less than being struck by lightning. To say I am grateful is the understatement of my lifetime.

There are no words that can capture how profound this experience is. It is a journey into the depths of your soul – both light and shadow. In my case, it took me so much deeper than I ever could have imagined – 1000 years back to the beginning of my pain. 

My whole life I have felt a heavy, heavy shame that I could never explain. I could never heal it, no matter what I tried. It owned me.

Iboga plunged me into the root of it, and almost broke me…but they say rock bottom becomes the ground you stand on.

Over the past year I have literally experienced miracle healings. It’s almost unbelievable, except that they really happened! My darkness has been replaced with lightness inside, and my closed, broken heart has opened. My soul purpose has revealed itself.

The most remarkable thing of all is that I chose this path out of the depth of my love for humanity. My soul chose to sacrifice itself and carry this pain to help heal it out of human consciousness. My pain had a purpose that came from love. I’m the opposite of shameful!

One of the effects of shame is that you go into hiding. You are terrified to share yourself, your emotional truth, your needs. Your pain. You hide from yourself. You construct masks to function which just isolates you further. 

We love artists because they have found the courage to fully express their authenticity. That vulnerability of ‘here I am’ is unmistakeable. It is what heals.

Non-duality might be a higher truth than the small self, but I believe the initiation is first owning your personal story. Your pain. And that requires sharing. Being seen. And it delights me to say that I’ve reached this point.